I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

I am now on my second blog entry and you might be wondering how I got to this point...to the point of blogging about leadership.  Well, I found my inspiration to start this leadership blog in the most unlikely of places...facebook.  Yes, facebook!  You know, that social media site that seems to be where you waste what little free time you have and that which connects you to 300 of your closest friends?  Yeah, that's the one...


A particular quote from a friend on facebook captured my attention.  (Disclaimer:  I do not know the source and actually think part of it is from Josh Groban's song "Believe".  I am not sure where the other part originated).  The quote she posted was:


Believe in what you feel inside
Give your dreams the wings to fly
Stop being afraid of what you can not see
Make a choice and set yourself free...


I have been struggling over the past two years to really determine what it is I want to be when I grow big.  After much reflection and time with some outstanding mentors, I felt that I was finally able to identify my true passion - leadership development.  I am fascinated with how leaders develop, how they do what they do and why it is that they do the things that they do.    


When I finally discovered my professional purpose (I have a personal purpose too which is different - that will be the topic of another blog some time...), I came to the harsh reality that I have no "formal" experience in this field.   Sure, I had been doing this kind of work informally in my career for about 10 years.  Sure, I have about 17 years of leadership experience in various capacities, but I kept wondering if I was actually qualified to do this kind of work.  I then had some personal set backs and rejections at work that just really shook my confidence and made me doubt my abilities.  So, instead of pursuing my passion, I kept doing what I was doing and continued to get what I always got which was mostly unfulfilling.  I took some steps, but not too many because the fear of failure was paralyzing me.


Then I saw that quote on facebook:   Believe in what you feel inside, give your dreams the wings to fly.  At that point, something just clicked and I made a commitment to myself that I would really, really pursue my passion now.  I needed to believe in myself and give myself at least the chance to be successful.  To do that, I recognized that I would essentially need to reinvent myself and move outside of my comfort zone.  This blog was my first step on that journey outside of my safe space...


I published my first blog entry, "Different Strokes for Different Folks" with much trepidation.  Would people like it?  Would anyone besides my Mom read it?  Would the readers take something away from what I had to say?  All these questions and doubts came flooding through me like a tidal wave as I contemplated publishing the post.  With a quick tap of my index finger I clicked the "Publish Post" button anyway, linked it to my facebook page, sent a few e-mails with the link to the blog and hoped for the best...


The next day, I was humbled by the responses I got to the blog.  I received so many positive comments through facebook and e-mail on my first blog entry.  Each comment from each person gave me confidence and a renewed sense of purpose.  I felt as though I was validated and my ideas counted for something.  I started to believe that maybe I am qualified to do this kind of work.  These people - my friends - took the time to comment on something I had poured my heart and soul into.  Because of that, I am now inspired to keep doing this blog; I am inspired to actively pursue my passion; and I am inspired to help others learn and develop by sharing my experiences.  I was filled with all of this inspiration because of my friends.  Who would have thought that a few kind words could make such a difference?  Who would have thought that facebook would have given me that opportunity?  I sure didn't but I know better now.  So, this blog entry is for all my friends out there who gave me just what I needed this past week.  You rock and I am privileged to call you my friend.  Special thanks also go out to my Mom - also my friend - who always builds me up and makes me feel special (I think she may also have visited this blog 80 times since I am approaching 100 hits...).  Join me now in chorus...


Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.  Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends...


So, what did I learn about leadership from how my friends responded to my blog?


LIFE'S LITTLE LEADERSHIP LESSONS

1. Leaders sometimes lack confidence.  They may appear tough on the outside but leaders have insecurities like everybody else.  In this case, I really doubted my abilities as an aspiring leadership development professional.  To help me get over this, I needed lots of # 2.
2. Leaders need positive reinforcement.  A few words of positive recognition and reinforcement can go a long way in making someone feel good and valued.  Leaders are often the last ones to hear about the good they are doing.  Take a few moments to recognize the leaders in your life - not only will you make them feel good, you will feel great too!
3. Leaders take chances.  Leaders need to put themselves and the people they influence in situations where they can stretch themselves and experience things they may have never experienced before.  Doing so can create a new world of possibilities.  The bigger the risk, the greater the reward.  Trust me on this one...it is more than true!

Different Strokes for Different Folks

I spent most of this past weekend at a wrestling tournament.  Blake (9 years old) and Lance (5 years old) are first year wrestlers.  Wrestling is not for the weak of heart and some would argue it is tougher on the Mom's than it is on the wrestler's.  As they say, the only thing tougher than a wrestler is his Mom...

It was a double elimination tournament so once you lose twice, your day is over.  Blake was very excited and nervous at the same time.  He had his eye on the prize:  a trophy.  Blake was going through the scenarios in his head:  If he won his first match and then won his second match, he would be wrestling for 1st and 2nd place.  He was practicing and warming up well in advance of his match.  He was ready.

Lance wasn't nervous.  He was bouncing back and forth from the snack stand to the gym blissfully unaware of when he had to wrestle next.  He was happy to be hanging with his friends, playing his DSi and eating a fruit roll up.  Sure, a trophy would be nice but those Reese's peanut butter cups after the tournament would be so much better...

Lance lost his first match, 11-2.  He worked hard and held his own and never gave up despite being outscored each period.  When the match was over, he didn't say much other than he wanted a snack.  Really, Lance?  You just lost and you want a snack??

Blake's first match was exciting.  It was a great match and after three periods, it was tied 2-2.  It was a very physical match.  Blake was more the aggressor and that eventually led to his loss in overtime, 4-2.  After the match, Blake's demeanor changed.  He was mad at himself for losing and felt he should have had the match.  He saw his chances at the trophy slipping away.  We gave him encouragement and praised him for what really was an excellent performance.  He just wasn't buying it and remained in a bad mood until his next match.

Lance's next match was closer in score with him ultimately losing, 4-2.  After the match he asked, "Am I done yet?  Can I get a snack?"  Meanwhile, I am getting so frustrated.  Why doesn't Lance care?  Combined we are now 0-3 and Blake is in a bad mood because he lost and he has another match to go.  I am not spending an ENTIRE day in a small gym to lose!!  Long story short - Blake lost his next match.  He was pinned.  He was not at his best and he knew it but he did not give up.  He fought every step of the way but he was not a happy camper.  We were 0-4 for the day.  I am a competitive person and I was not happy at all but I kept it inside so the boys would not see my disappointment.

The ride home was rough.  All of Lance's friends got trophies and were playing with them as we were walking out.  I could see the disappointment in the faces of both Blake and Lance.  I stewed inside wondering what I should be doing differently as a parent:  should I make them practice more?  Should I give them more pep talks?  Should I not enter them in tournaments?  What was I doing wrong?

Later that night, we were doing our "highs and lows" over dinner.  I was sure they would not have anything to say for "highs" and would inundate us with "lows".  Imagine our surprise when Blake said his high was "how well I wrestled today at my first tournament" and Lance said, "I did not get pinned once and I was able to practice wrist control".   Imagine that.  Even though we were 0-4 and my boys did not win a trophy, they realized that there is something to be learned and appreciated in those failed efforts.  

So, what leadership lessons did I take away from a wrestling tournament?

LIFE'S LITTLE LEADERSHIP LESSONS

1. Leaders need to understand that people are different.  In approaching this wrestling tournament, Lance and Blake saw it completely differently.   They prepared differently.  They were motivated by different things.  They responded to losing in different ways.  Understand to appreciate those differences and don't judge them if they are different than what you would expect.
2. Leaders need to understand that sometimes it is not about the destination but rather the journey.  They did not win the trophy but through this process, they built character that will serve them a lifetime.  A trophy will collect dust, be forgotten and eventually be discarded.  I will take character over a trophy any day.
3. As a leader, it is often NOT about you.  So, get over yourself.  I wanted my boys to win because maybe that would have made me feel really good and proud (because I am a competitive person after all).  This is about them, their experiences and their emotions.  Respect that, take a step back and they may just surprise you.